Fear has me in its grip and I can’t seem to escape it. I try to run away and hide but I can’t seem to get far enough away. The fear always finds me. I have tried to let go of the fear but for some reason I can’t. I feel like I am afraid of more things than I am not.
Will I survive another marathon? Will my lack of training motivation prevent me from reaching my goals? Will I ever get the body that I want? Will I ever love the skin that I am in? Will I be a good wife? Will I be able to pull off the wedding of my dreams without going broke? Will I be make money by following my dreams? Will I be able to support my family if I follow my dreams? Will I be a good mother? Will I get to see the world be I die?
Some of my fears are completely irrational and some of them have had me in their grips for many years. One might think that I would be able to handle my fears but I just just can’t seem to fins a way to do that. I am almost 30 years old and my fears still give me nightmares. I have crossed the finish line of two full marathons already so why would this one be any different. I am afraid that my unplanned running hiatus will have a severe impact on my future training. I so want to finish the Space Coast Marathon in less than six hours. I really want to qualify for the Boston Marathon one day but I am afraid that will never happen especially if I can’t finish a full marathon in under six hours. I am afraid that I wasted my half marathon PR and that I will never beat it. I can’t even finish a half marathon in less than 2:45 anymore. What makes me think that I will ever qualify for the Boston Marathon?
Some of my fears keep my awake at night. What kind of wife would I be if I quit my job to pursue my passions? Sometimes I feel like my job sucks all of the drive from me and I don’t want to even figure out what sparks the passion inside of me. I have become truly complacent with my career choice. What kind of wife would I be if I can’t learn to deal with a job that allows us to enjoy the vacations that we have always wanted to go on?
Speaking of being a wife, I afraid that the wedding I will fall in love with be way too expensive. I don’t like the idea of settling or compromising for the biggest party I will ever plan. However, I really don’t like the idea of going crazy over board and spending a down payment on a house for a single event that only lasts a few hours. I don’t want to go crazy with the details that don’t really matter at the end of the day but I also don’t want that day to be anything less than amazing. I am afraid that my life has been too isolated. I am afraid that I won’t know anyone at my own wedding. I am worried that our wedding will disappoint our guests and that Pete and I won’t be happy with the end result.